So, how do we know when healing happens? I know what it feels like to need a healing; however, I’m not so sure I know what it feels like to be healthy. That feels very sad, as I know that my true nature is one of pure health and wholeness. It seems to me that in the past health has been in my consciousness awareness only when my physical experience appears to be something less than pure health. That is changing.
I remember that the first time the experience of this Erdheim Chester Disease ended up with me in the hospital, I had been praying the words “Father, heal me at depth.” These came from the Grace Prayer that I learned in a class I took at Unity Village many years ago—little did I know the journey that they would lead me on. As I walk through this experience, transforming my life to express my true wholeness, I continue to challenge myself at depth—to question the words I use and the thoughts behind them in situations that I might have glossed over in the past.
I was complimented last week on the weight I’ve released, and I heard myself respond “Thank you…I am on a doctor-ordered vegan diet.” I could have left it at “Thank You.” Instead I made it seem as if the diet I’ve been on for less than two months had everything to do with the 65 lbs. I’ve released over the past two years. There have been numerous things that have contributed to my weight loss–including the support of Donna Rose in getting me to a gym three days a week while I lived in Manhattan, KS. I’ve come to realize that with my trip to Mayo Clinic in December I had stopped going to the gym. Somehow this diagnosis had gotten in the way of my way.
In February I received another diagnosis—a dysfunctioning gall bladder. The standard response is to remove the gall bladder. Neither my doctor nor I felt like that was the thing to do—therefore the vegan diet. Something I could embrace and experience immediate positive results. Easier said than done.
This past few months has been much like the journey to become sober. For years I invested all my energy into focusing on what I didn’t want to do—take that next drink—which only lead to me doing exactly that. It’s no surprise that what I was focused on, investing all my time and energy on, came to pass in my life. My sobriety came by learning to invest my energy in focusing on what I wanted in my life. It didn’t take long before I realized that I was investing my energy in what I couldn’t eat, and sabotaging myself in the process.
I feel such gratitude for this experience. I have wanted to make different choices in regards to the food that entered my body—and it hasn’t happened. This has placed me on an escalated path to understanding what is going on in my own creative process to keep that from happening. I don’t have the answers to know where this is leading—except to know that I am learning to recognize and face the resistance and to make choices that support my own physical wellbeing.
There has been a huge upside to taking the time to blog about this—I’m starting back at the gym with a personal trainer I worked with before. I’ve also started having conversations about starting a Zumba class, and I’ve found some great Vegan websites with recipes that I joyfully find fulfilling (I love to bake!).
Wherever this experience is taking me—Lord, heal me at depth. TODAY I choose to be an expression of health and wholeness. TODAY I celebrate each step on the journey.