No More Secret Sabotage

A saying from my twelve step past has been running through my thoughts lately—‘You are only as sick as your secrets.’ Not my favorite saying, yet it seems to have ahold of me in a way that supersedes the struggle to let it go—like a huge flashing light saying ‘pay attention. ’ I know that there is a huge gift desiring to break through into conscious awareness. For ‘then you will know the truth, and the truth shall set you free.’ (John 8:32)

So–What behavior or ‘secret’ is seeking my attention? What new pattern of thinking will bring freedom to my life?

As I mentioned in the last post, in December of last year I was diagnosed with a rare disease. It has changed my life in many ways—I’ve left my position as the minister at a church I dearly love, I’ve left a home that met my needs in many wonderful ways, and I’ve started a new chapter in my life. Yet, none of that has been ‘secret.’ What has been is the name of the disease. I’ve had a sense that if I shared it people would look it up online and get the idea that I was dying. That is not the case—and yet even as I type this my eyes well up in tears.

So here goes—after a year with surgery, several hospital stays, and several inaccurate diagnoses, I was blessed with a doctor who understand that there was something outside of his experience going on in my physical body. He referred me to Mayo Clinic, where I met an amazing doctor who, before running any tests, said to me, “Here’s what you have….”  Then set me on two days of medical tests that in his mind confirmed his diagnosis of Erdheim Chester Disease.

There, I’ve put it out there in the world.  It’s no longer a secret, so now I am free. Right? Right? I don’t think so, as the secret is behind why I haven’t given people the diagnosis. The secret is that at some level I feel deeply afraid that I am dying. That through my own ‘stinking thinking’ I’ve gotten myself into something both financially and physically too big for me to handle. I know that’s not the Truth, yet it has been the dirty little secret truth informing my thoughts, words, and actions.  No longer.

I’ve heard myself frequently describe this experience as my opportunity to “have my Myrtle Fillmore moment.” Myrtle’s commitment to transforming her own consciousness led to a physical healing that served as the spark which ignited the Unity movement, where I serve as an ordained minister. It’s time to follow in her footsteps, to form new paradigms of life-affirming thoughts, words, and actions.

No more secret sabotage. My choice today is to immerse myself in affirmative prayer, knowing that as I walk this healing journey more will be revealed.



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