Healing Happens

So, how do we know when healing happens? I know what it feels like to need a healing; however, I’m not so sure I know what it feels like to be healthy. That feels very sad, as I know that my true nature is one of pure health and wholeness. It seems to me that in the past health has been in my consciousness awareness only when my physical experience appears to be something less than pure health. That is changing.

I remember that the first time the experience of this Erdheim Chester Disease ended up with me in the hospital, I had been praying the words “Father, heal me at depth.” These came from the Grace Prayer that I learned in a class I took at Unity Village many years ago—little did I know the journey that they would lead me on. As I walk through this experience, transforming my life to express my true wholeness, I continue to challenge myself at depth—to question the words I use and the thoughts behind them in situations that I might have glossed over in the past.

I was complimented last week on the weight I’ve released, and I heard myself respond “Thank you…I am on a doctor-ordered vegan diet.” I could have left it at “Thank You.” Instead I made it seem as if the diet I’ve been on for less than two months had everything to do with the 65 lbs. I’ve released over the past two years. There have been numerous things that have contributed to my weight loss–including the support of Donna Rose in getting me to a gym three days a week while I lived in Manhattan, KS. I’ve come to realize that with my trip to Mayo Clinic in December I had stopped going to the gym. Somehow this diagnosis had gotten in the way of my way.

In February I received another diagnosis—a dysfunctioning gall bladder. The standard response is to remove the gall bladder. Neither my doctor nor I felt like that was the thing to do—therefore the vegan diet. Something I could embrace and experience immediate positive results. Easier said than done.

This past few months has been much like the journey to become sober. For years I invested all my energy into focusing on what I didn’t want to do—take that next drink—which only lead to me doing exactly that. It’s no surprise that what I was focused on, investing all my time and energy on, came to pass in my life. My sobriety came by learning to invest my energy in focusing on what I wanted in my life. It didn’t take long before I realized that I was investing my energy in what I couldn’t eat, and sabotaging myself in the process.

I feel such gratitude for this experience. I have wanted to make different choices in regards to the food that entered my body—and it hasn’t happened. This has placed me on an escalated path to understanding what is going on in my own creative process to keep that from happening. I don’t have the answers to know where this is leading—except to know that I am learning to recognize and face the resistance and to make choices that support my own physical wellbeing.

There has been a huge upside to taking the time to blog about this—I’m starting back at the gym with a personal trainer I worked with before. I’ve also started having conversations about starting a Zumba class, and I’ve found some great Vegan websites with recipes that I joyfully find fulfilling (I love to bake!).

Wherever this experience is taking me—Lord, heal me at depth. TODAY I choose to be an expression of health and wholeness. TODAY I celebrate each step on the journey.


“Lord, I believe; help thou my unbelief” (Mark 9:24).

These powerful words of transformation were reported to have been spoken by a father whose deepest desire was for his son to experience his innate wholeness. This is one of my favorite scripture passages, and a prayer I’ve called on quite frequently over the past two years. I know from a place deep within my being the Truth of my wholeness, and yet paradoxically I recognize that my experience has been one of feeling separate from that Truth.

So what is healing? This can be answered in so many ways. Healing is a noun—the outcome of expressing our innate wholeness. Healing is also a verb—the dynamic process of living from a place of wholeness, a place of knowing our oneness with God. Healing is also an adjective—describing the awesome power of God. Healing encompasses all of that, and so much more! No matter who we are, healing is the essence of what we are here to do in this human experience.

Physical health is our divine birthright. It is also something we take for granted until we have an experience that feels like something less than wholeness. I will never forget that moment in the hospital a few years ago when the ER Doctor came in and said something to the effect of “The organs in your body are shutting down. We don’t know why.” I immediately felt my mind begin to shut down, and I knew I had a choice in that experience.  I chose to reach out to individuals I knew could remind me of my innate wholeness.  “Lord, I believe; help thou my unbelief.”

One of those individuals, Rev. Debbie Taylor, spoke to me about meditating on the color blue. It gave me something that seemed tangible to work with. I knew that it was a color that Charles Fillmore, cofounder of Unity, associated with the power of Faith, and meditating on that color helped me to refocus on Truth. It’s a journey that continues today.

This past weekend I attended a lecture at Unity given by Matthew Fox. He spoke about sacred archetypes, one of which he called the Blue Man. His understanding is that this archetype represents an expanding consciousness, and he spoke about a Hindu saint who had a profound experience that transformed his life. In his meditation he saw a blue pearl that morphed into a blue man. Through this meditation he overcame his fear of death and achieved an expanded consciousness.  It was a story that touched my heart. It spoke to me about seeing this experience with my physical body as a pearl, a gift of great value.

“Lord, I believe; help thou my unbelief.”


No More Secret Sabotage

A saying from my twelve step past has been running through my thoughts lately—‘You are only as sick as your secrets.’ Not my favorite saying, yet it seems to have ahold of me in a way that supersedes the struggle to let it go—like a huge flashing light saying ‘pay attention. ’ I know that there is a huge gift desiring to break through into conscious awareness. For ‘then you will know the truth, and the truth shall set you free.’ (John 8:32)

So–What behavior or ‘secret’ is seeking my attention? What new pattern of thinking will bring freedom to my life?

As I mentioned in the last post, in December of last year I was diagnosed with a rare disease. It has changed my life in many ways—I’ve left my position as the minister at a church I dearly love, I’ve left a home that met my needs in many wonderful ways, and I’ve started a new chapter in my life. Yet, none of that has been ‘secret.’ What has been is the name of the disease. I’ve had a sense that if I shared it people would look it up online and get the idea that I was dying. That is not the case—and yet even as I type this my eyes well up in tears.

So here goes—after a year with surgery, several hospital stays, and several inaccurate diagnoses, I was blessed with a doctor who understand that there was something outside of his experience going on in my physical body. He referred me to Mayo Clinic, where I met an amazing doctor who, before running any tests, said to me, “Here’s what you have….”  Then set me on two days of medical tests that in his mind confirmed his diagnosis of Erdheim Chester Disease.

There, I’ve put it out there in the world.  It’s no longer a secret, so now I am free. Right? Right? I don’t think so, as the secret is behind why I haven’t given people the diagnosis. The secret is that at some level I feel deeply afraid that I am dying. That through my own ‘stinking thinking’ I’ve gotten myself into something both financially and physically too big for me to handle. I know that’s not the Truth, yet it has been the dirty little secret truth informing my thoughts, words, and actions.  No longer.

I’ve heard myself frequently describe this experience as my opportunity to “have my Myrtle Fillmore moment.” Myrtle’s commitment to transforming her own consciousness led to a physical healing that served as the spark which ignited the Unity movement, where I serve as an ordained minister. It’s time to follow in her footsteps, to form new paradigms of life-affirming thoughts, words, and actions.

No more secret sabotage. My choice today is to immerse myself in affirmative prayer, knowing that as I walk this healing journey more will be revealed.


New Beginnings

Years ago I left my job to move half way across the country. On my final day of work someone anonymously placed a card with these words on my desk:

God of  New Beginnings
by B. J. Hoff

Set my feet upon the path
You would have me walk…
Hold my hand in Yours
and guide me as I go…
Steady my steps
if I should falter on the way…
Keep me from wrong turns,
and smooth the journey…
Walk beside me,
and give me the strength
to go the distance…

That someone was an angel–as these words have been with me ever since.

Tomorrow I will give my final sermon as their ‘first full-time-local-minister’  at Unity Church of Manhattan. It has been an amazing experience…and now it’s time to step off onto a new path.

This past December I was diagnosed with a rare disease, and I began treatment in January. I’m feeling pulled to blog about this experience, and the exploration of what it takes to truly transform  my thoughts, words, and actions to create an experience of Perfect Health. I look forward to where this pondering on new paradigms leads me to…and yet, for today, my thoughts are present with this spiritual community and being fully in the journey of today.